The Best of Joe Biden If We’re Lucky

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Ah yes, the proverbial gaffe machine, Joe Biden, former VP of the US and current Democratic presidential candidate. He will have to personally appear and debate Donald Trump. No cue cards. No teleprompter. No earphones to provide snapback answers.

Biden will be left to his own devices, as it were. Damn! We’re gonna be loving every single minute of it. I mean sure, it will be painful at times to see a senile, confused old man eviscerated, but not painful enough to not watch.

In a single debate, Biden is sure to give all the ammunition to anyone who needs to declare him certifiably DUHHHH… Or is that DOHHHH? Or if you’re sitting on the fence and really think that Biden is intellectually superior to Trump, you’ll be knocked off that fence by Biden’s swift fall from grace by the end of the debate.

You might even be buying a red hat the next day.

Imagine, Biden will be challenged with replying off the top of his head while debating the President about immigration, the drug epidemic, homelessness, the Middle East, securing the US border, the economy, and gun violence:

  1. Immigration: ‘Let ’em in. We’ve never stopped anyone before. I remember when Abe Lincoln brought in all the darkies, and I told him then he was opening a can of worms, whatever that meant.’
  2. Drug Epidemic: ‘No such thing. I talked to my son, the one that worked for the Ukrai… err I mean that was an officer in the US Navy and he said there isn’t a drug problem at all. He can get whatever he wants anytime at all.’
  3. Homelessness: ‘Yeah, some of ’em maybe got problems y’know. Drugs. Alcohol. Smelling women and little girls. But look, it’s an easy problem to solve. They just need to go out and buy a damn house!’
  4. The Middle East: ‘I think I’ve done well in Missouri, Iowa, Kansas, Arkansas, and Nebraska. What? You don’t think I have?’
  5. Secure US Border: ‘The border has never been safer, ever. Well I mean when I was VP and the President Jimmy Cart…. FD….. Ummm that other guy, you know, the black fellow, the well-spoken clean one… You remember him… Bozak something or other… when he was in charge. Things were really in good shape then. I remember clearly.’
  6. The Economy: ‘It’s the worst economy since the Great something or other, or whatever they called that when only my relatives had money and FDR got on the TV and talked to millions of Americans. But Trump refuses to talk to the American people now. He’s been a virtual recluse, locked away in silence for years, without a peep. While there are millions of people living on the streets. They’re hungry man. They got no home man. They got no food man. No satellite TV. No cellphone. What else are they gonna do? Listen to record players? There are no jobs for anybody at all, even if you’re a dumbass conservative and want to work.’
  7. Gun Violence: ‘I’ve been saying it every day since I was wounded while sitting in the front of JFK’s limo that day in Dallas in ’63… 150 million Americans have been killed since 2007.’

And then there are our “predictions”. Gaffes that will uttered by Gropin’ Joe, in what we’ll call the “Random Bonus Round”, which are random gaffes Biden will make randomly at any time, on any subject, throughout the debate cycle.

  • Biden calls Trump his deceased son, Beau. Then he apologizes and says he actually meant to call him his son Hunter (the live, cocaine using son).
  • Biden tells the audience that he’s the only one that can beat George Bush. He knows because he’s done it before.
  • Biden promises to cure Cancer, AIDS, body odor, Diabetes, Heart Disease, bad breath, Baldness, STD’s, and hunger.
  • Biden promises to make the rich poor and the poor rich, while nobody pays for anything if they’re not rich.
  • Biden reminds you over the course of the debate that he’s “running for President of the US”, “running for the Senate”, “running for High School Class President”, running for “Prom Queen”, and “running from those dog-faced pony soldiers”.
  • Starts giving his Inauguration speech
  • Starts his 1st State of the Union speech
  • Declares war on Ukraine.

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